so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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