im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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