you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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