haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
