So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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