i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
