Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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