I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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