If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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