Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
