i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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