So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
