The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
