we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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