And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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