Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Drunk is not a location!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
