I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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