i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
