I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
