the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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