I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
