Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
