I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
