Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
