At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
