I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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