i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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