I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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