I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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