after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
