I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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