doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
