I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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