Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
