I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
