You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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