She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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