Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
