i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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