Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
