It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
