Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
