No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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