He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Randomize
