Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
