Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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