and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you made out with another girl for some wings
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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