i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
