this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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