I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
