the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
