K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
